You're so nebulous sometimes
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
