I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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