the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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