i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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