Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
