I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
