No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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