I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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