where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
