Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize