so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize