Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
