i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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