just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
