he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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