Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
