Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
