Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
