They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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