I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
