i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
