i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this boner is exhausting
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
