i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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