you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
