Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
