Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize
