i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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