I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize