All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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