nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
