no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize