I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize