Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
