vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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