i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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