I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize