New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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