my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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