I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
