wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
