i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
