dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
