something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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