I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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