Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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