my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
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