I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
