Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
