I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
