I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
