a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
