I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize