I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
