The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
