Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
