Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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