; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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