Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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