I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
