WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
