Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
